How do I teach my teens sex-toy hygiene?
Dear Kristea,
My kids grow up in a household where we are open about our bodies and talk about changing bodies and sexual health… but I find objects that I believe my teenager is using for self-stimulation. How do I handle this conversation so she can do this safely?
- Open But Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I sincerely appreciate that you’re open with your teens about their bodies – from maturation to sexual health. Keeping the lines of communication open, and making sure your kids know that they can come to you even with questions they think might be uncomfortable, is a big part of fostering safety in the home.
That said, sexual exploration can feel very private, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job if your teen isn’t talking to you about it. Masturbation especially often comes with feelings of taboo or shame that they’ve picked up outside the home – or maybe it just feels so private they don’t want anyone to know they’re exploring. Either way, respecting their privacy is an important thing to consider when you’re deciding whether or not and how to approach your teen about masturbation.
It sounds like you’ve already had the classic “birds and the bees” talk with your teens, and that you keep that conversation going in your home. Which is great! Something you might want to consider adding to that conversation is how to safely choose, use, clean, and store toys for masturbation. You can do this in person, or, if you think you or your kids would find this too uncomfortable to talk about “irl”, send them an email, or a letter – some parents start a “you and me” journal where kids can leave parents notes about what’s on their mind to either have or jumpstart conversations they find difficult. What’s really key about having this conversation is to make sure you’re actively listening to your teen’s questions and giving honest, non-judgmental answers.
If you suspect they’re using household items for self-stimulation (I’ve heard electric toothbrushes are a common substitute for this) and you’d like to redirect them to safer toys or hygiene practices, you could quietly leave them a gift card for a toy shop you trust, or a pre-paid visa with a list of sites you trust to be providing your teen with quality toys, cleansers, and information. You might want to let them know (in the note) that you won’t be able to see if they’ve purchased something with it and won’t be checking. This is something for them! You’re just ensuring they have safe resources to navigate that process on their own - and if they have questions, they can come to you.
A couple of resource suggestions:
For a Canadian-owned, feminist sex toy shop that includes how to care for different materials, gender gear, sex education topics, and a lot of options, take a look at comeasyouare.com. Check it out yourself, first!
Having multiple sources of helpful and safe information around sex and sexuality available is a good way to help your kids explore and find the information they’re looking for. I recommend @the_vspot on Instagram as a great sex educator.
Your local women’s (or men’s) health or resources centre will also have information available, and other resources your teens may need (accessing birth control, condoms, STI tests, etc.). Let them know about it!
You’re doing a wonderful job with your teens by willing to be open about these things. Remember that we all make mistakes, and the important thing is to own up about and correct them – that shows our children that it’s okay to learn and do better. So don’t worry about doing it perfectly – focus on helping your teens feel comfortable discovering themselves, and coming to you with questions.
I hope this is able to serve as a jumping off point for you, Concerned. I’m glad your children have such an open and thoughtful parent caring for them.
