How do I keep my perfectionism from rubbing off on my family?
Dear Kristea,
Help, I think my perfectionism has rubbed off on my daughter and not in a good way. I am learning that my behaviour wasn’t healthy. How can I help her avoid the lifetime of mental health issues that’s likely to come from her growing obsession with perfection?
- Recovering Perfectionist
Dear Perfectionist,
I’m so glad that you’ve noticed your perfectionism isn’t healthy – for you or your observant and learning daughter. It can be so hard to learn to move away from habits and patterns where doing your best takes a little too much out of you, but as a recovering perfectionist myself I can promise you that there are benefits to learning that done is better than perfect, and that doing your best might look different every day. Realizing this is where you’re at is already a success. I’m proud of you.
The simplified answer of how to help your daughter avoid the issues that come with perfectionism that she’s learning from you… is to learn not to, together. Not just tell her to do as you say and not as you do, not to hide your own perfectionism from her (because that’s where she might pick up shame along with the perfectionism, which can be a delightful little combo leading to self-hate or despondency), and not to teach her while continuing your own behaviours (kids notice hypocrisy at an alarmingly perceptive rate, I’ve found).
Talk to your daughter about your perfectionism, and how you feel it isn’t helping you. Let her know what you’re aiming for instead. Ask her if she’s noticed she’s been doing some of the same things, and find out how she feels about it. Point it out when you notice you’re engaging in perfectionism in front of her. And then, take a deep breath, find where your best is in that moment, do that instead, and let your daughter see that process. If she’s learning perfectionism from watching you, she’ll learn to adjust by watching you, too.
Perfectionism is something we learn – often because we’ve learned to equate our value with our quality of work and feel we need to be beyond reproach to be viewed as “good” or worthy. So, a lot of the work in moving away from perfectionistic tendencies means learning to find your worth and value in things outside of your “output”. Make it a family game to point out each other’s worthiness in other things, like when someone’s laugh lights up a room, or someone’s interest in a new hobby is beautiful to see. Learn to appreciate your own inherent value, and watch that rub off on your family. When you see your daughter engaging in perfectionism (and stress), help her take a beat and figure out where her best really is in that moment. Watch the way you respond to your daughter’s work – is she only praised for A’s, or for how well she does something, rather than the work she puts in or the things she learned in the process? Practice responses that reward effort over results. That won’t make them stop trying; if anything, they’ll engage with the process more!
I’ve mentioned figuring out what our best is a couple times, but what does it actually mean? Our best in any given moment takes our capacity into account, as well as the task’s “weight”. Is this assignment worth 25% of a grade, or 5%? Is this life task absolutely critical to do completely correctly (like balancing the pH in a hot tub, for example), or can the dishes be done and the counter wiped and that can be the end of it, instead of scrubbing in all the little nooks and crannies and sweeping and mopping the floor and wiping down the fridge and… Does your employment depend on this write-up, or is it needed for a meeting where it will be cursorily glanced at and everyone moves on? Realizing that the task isn’t quite as meaningful as you were likely creating it to be in your head can be freeing. The other side of your best is your capacity – meaning, how much of yourself can you give this task, and still have the time and energy to do the other things you need to do? How much does this task light you up, or how much is it dragging you down?
A fuller plate, a lower energy day, other more pressing tasks…. All of these things can weigh in and make your best come in at just under perfect. But our best is all we can do, and that’s really okay! You’ve heard it before, Perfectionist, but it’s time to work on believing it. It takes practice, but I know you can do it.
