How do I make my mom follow my boundaries?
Dear Kristea,
Last year around this time, I got in a big fight with my mom that resulted in me deciding to take a break from our relationship. It took me a few months, but I finally told her that I wanted this break and that I would let her know when I was ready to try again.
Leading up to Christmas, she started pushing these boundaries, texting me and trying to instigate conversations despite my earlier request that she not. Eventually, it led to her asking if we could get together, at which point I reiterated my boundaries and declined. I assumed that would be the end of it, but with my birthday coming up in a few days, apparently she thought it was appropriate to try again.
This time instead of asking if I wanted to get together, I guess she tried to be more "direct" and suggested us going to a restaurant of my choice together. This is an obvious no for multiple reasons, including the fact that it’s a pandemic and not safe at all to go to restaurants. And also because she gave me the cold shoulder for my birthday last year, which included not even wishing me Happy Birthday. And has never apologized or in any way acknowledged that she did that and that it was, frankly, a dick move. And now she's just acting like nothing happened and like it totally makes sense for us to get together and share a meal.
I haven't responded to her request yet as I'm not sure how to. Should I give her the "hard no" and just ignore it, or should I try to reiterate my boundaries again? How do I help her realize that this behaviour is inappropriate and likely only going to extend this break?
- Unsure How to Respond
Dear Unsure,
I want to open with telling you that I hear that you’re struggling, and I hear that you’re tired. It’s entirely reasonable to struggle to enforce boundaries with someone who’s constantly pushing back on them, because it’s exhausting. You want to live your life, too, not have all your focus be on maintaining a difficult relationship. I’m sorry that your relationship with your mom is one of those things for you. Taking breaks and resting regularly is not only okay, it needs to be a priority. Your resources are valuable, and you get to choose who you spend them on.
The short answer when it comes to "how do I make her..." is that you can't. You can't force her to follow your boundaries, you have to enforce them. You can't find the magic words to make her understand, apologize, or be respectful. Trying is part of the taxing of your personal resources and the exhaustion that comes with dealing with it, wishing they would just behave differently so you wouldn’t have to work so hard.
You can only choose to give her the degree of access to you that you're comfortable with (and sometimes finding what they is takes a little thought and experimentation).
But I can absolutely hear the anger, and frustration in your question. That's what I’d like to focus on. You have a need going unmet. Sometimes we get angry when someone asks us for something, not because of their unmitigated gall in doing so (though sometimes that's present), but because we also want that thing, badly, but we don't trust it. Or haven't expressed something that we need to so that we can either comfortably accept or reject it. So we feel agitated and stuck, and like the ask is completely unreasonable.
So, what need is unmet for you? What is it you're missing? Your mom? The mom you thought you could have had? It’s important to take a little time to feel out what it is you want and wish you had. Explore this feeling in depth – get really specific as to what actions would show you that need is being met.
From there, you have options to explore (and this isn’t a comprehensive list, but something to help you think outside of the “acquiesce and violate my boundaries, or refuse and continue in this exhausting tug of war” binary that’s easy to get stuck in).
Maybe it's time to start fostering other relationships, to find things that fill that "mom" void you have that your mom isn't capable of filling. That could mean leaning on that friend that checks in to make sure you’re eating, or having dinner with friends on as regular of a schedule that can be managed. It might mean asking your friends for emotional support when you need it and having someone be your go-to for live advice or “how to’s”.
Or maybe it's time to tell her what you feel like you're missing. That can feel really vulnerable and has no guarantee of the request being met or the feelings being validated. But it might feel good to ask (I’d only recommend this one if your feelings toward asking do not hinge on obtaining any specific response from your mom). That might look like saying you wish you had a relationship with her that included feeling heard and what that looks like to you (or x, or y, or z). Concrete aspects that you feel you’re missing and would genuinely like to have with her.
Or, it's time to (without being cruel or trying to hurt her) tell her in clear terms why you are no longer giving her access to you - not the situation, but the reason. Let her know what you need to see from her to be willing to interact, and that if she isn't able to give you those things, then the result is continuing not to talk (and then you reduce her access to you so that she can’t take up space in your day trying to push on the boundaries you’ve outlined). If you want to try this, it’s important to focus on “I statements” and the affects you feel, not on her behaviour or placing blame. Therapistaid.com has an easy worksheet for working on converting blame statements to I statements here: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/i-statements.pdf
Or, another option, is meeting her where she's at without allowing her enough access to you to hurt you. Meet her somewhere (covid safe) and have a superficial, but loving, conversation with your mom. Acknowledge for yourself that she can't be the person in your life that you wanted and needed her to be, but that she does care in her own way, and you want to experience what you can of that. Her access to you may need to be kept to a mid or low level to stay safe, but it might feel good to have a relationship with your mom, regardless of what that relationship looks like.
What feels good, for where you’re at? Choosing one of these options is an actionable way to choose where your boundaries are. What enforcing them looks like with each scenario will be different, but will focus around making sure that your needs are being met, rather than focusing on trying to predict or elicit behaviours from your mom. This is also a fluid process, that might require practice and adjustment as your feelings change.
I hope this helps the difficulty you’re having with your mom feel a little less overwhelming, and to see that your peace and energy doesn’t have to depend on how someone else decides to behave.
